Riyadh, Saudi Arabia — With the clearly legitimate war raging in Syria, going into its 4th year, and Russia recently stepping up its support for Bashar Al-Assad with direct military involvement against ISIS and the 12-15 other foreign backed militias AKA ‘the good terrorists/moderate rebels’, the perpetual global “War on Terror” is in full swing.
The Russian airstrikes -- much to the sheer horror and night time meat sweats of Saudi Arabia’s Foreign Minister Adel Al-Jubeir who proclaimed: “It’s fucking up our planned gas pipeline construction through Syria, causing delays and cost overruns in the project. Our gas sales forecasts are all fucked now and heads will literally roll."
Al-Jubeir continues: “When I visited Moscow recently to meet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov to discuss Assad’s removal, Mr. Lavrov was not very responsive when I gave him our ultimatum for some reason, and he had ended our 30 second meeting with a “Yop tvoy mat” and a smile. My translator, at the time, said it meant “Have a prosperous and wonderful trip home”, but during my flight back to Saudi Arabia, I kept replaying those 30 seconds in my mind over and over, and suspected that Mr. Lavrov’s final comment was more dark, and sinister than I thought. My patience and curiosity finally wore thin, so I threatened my translator with 5000 lashes, castration, the Iron Maiden, bacon boarding, and public decapitation -- in no particular order, and he finally told me that it meant 'go fuck your mother' in Russian.” stated Al-Jubeir.
Saudi Arabia has struggled over the years to educate the public on the difference between “good terrorism and bad terrorism”, hosting multiple workshops and training courses across the globe to world leaders and the general public and delivering their message of peace and prosperity for their own national interests, and to eradicate the stigma that all terrorists are bad.
"It literally blows my mind that people don’t understand the different flavors of terrorism, and stereotype so quickly. It is so very clear to us, and it is our job to educate the public and our peers and bring awareness to our noble activities." said Al-Jubeir. “First and foremost, we pay the good terrorists, provide training, and they are under our control, and do what we say and go where they are told. There is no risk to public safety and they are very nice, fun loving people — some of whom coach little league football and are heavily involved in the global Jihad community.
We try and provide an employment environment where potential and battle hardened terrorists want to come and work for us, and we have many company perks like food for human consumption, and borderline non-potable water sent to the front lines. As a bonus we also provide 72 clean and shaven virgins -- both vagina and backs to our employees who meet their ultimate demise. This is a very powerful recruitment tool that is unmatched by any other organization”. continued Al-Jubeir.
“Like any disgruntled employee, the bad terrorists, who you hear about on TV and in 1980’s action movies, sometimes get angry when we finish a project and we don’t pay them or leave them for dead, or they get captured, and we deny knowing them, so naturally they want to kill us. Our vast media empire and links to Western media conglomerates ensures that any public relations disaster are minimized. If these employees would have read the employment contract, all terms and conditions are outlined in black and white. Sure, most are illiterate but we don’t have the budget for vocational training set aside for Fiscal 2014/2015.” explained Al-Jubeir.
"With regards to the lack of receptivity from Russia to cease supporting Assad it is essentially a big “fuck you” to Saudi Arabia. This is unacceptable. How are we supposed to construct a pipeline through Syria to get our product to market and compete with Russia selling gas into Europe with Russia bombing our proxy moderate terrorists/rebel groups to oblivion who are trying to covertly overthrow Assad? It’s costing us too much money!” exclaimed Al-Jubeir.
Saudi Arabia has recently announced stepping up support of their in-theater assets, which will push Syria into a further chaos and destruction and continue stoking the flames of war and furthering their wet dream of gas pipeline nirvana, no matter the human death toll, and whose bold “sun tzu-like” strategy is to keep throwing human bodies at Russia until Russia runs out of bombs and bullets. ∎