Thursday, December 31, 2015

Boston Dynamics $32 Million “Big Dog” Autonomous Robot Upstaged by Donkey in US Marine Corp Test Trials

Arlington, Virginia — The stakes were high for Boston Dynamics, a division of Google, who had spent 3 years and $32 million USD developing a robotic, autonomous hauling platform that would revolutionize Marine Corps combat operational logistics and ‘lighten their load’ in the global theater of operations.

“With the way our government butchers foreign policy, US Marines are deployed in 107 countries globally, from guarding poppy fields in Afghanistan, training ‘moderate rebels’ in Syria, Iraq, and Libya, to covert operations in other countries that have not bent to the will of our glorious country which if I told you, I would have to choke you out and murder you.  It got to the point where I got fed-up of the bitching and complaints from the Marines about having to haul 200 kg of equipment into the field, so we started looking for a cutting-edge solution that would allow our Marines to move deeper into an area of operations and allow them to function longer without the need for re-supply, which could jeopardize a mission and leave the marines vulnerable.  Typically the marines would have to haul all of their equipment on their backs, and are limited by their physical carrying ability, so operations were limited to only 5-7 days, said Commander Canford Frillpop of the US Marine Corps.  

Our intention with partnering with Boston Dynamics “Big Dog” autonomous robotic hauling solution, was to have the platform do the heavy lifting for the marines, and literally "take the weight off their shoulders”, and increase their stamina and morale in the field.  The Big Dog, in theory, would carry more weight, and operate autonomously  and stealthily, and follow the Marines commands.  This solution would also extend mission length with more ammunition and supplies available, and prevent risky resupply drops.” touted Frillpop.  

Frillpop continues: "After 20 minutes of testing the Big Dog hauling platform, we noticed that it was noisier than a drummer-boy on crystal meth, and several Marines reported intense ringing in their ears and intense muscle contractions in their upper temporal lobes.  It was so loud that it announced the presence of my team up to 275 meters away, putting the Marines in danger from enemy combatants, even ones with partial or total hearing loss, and even perhaps the dead in a local fucking cemetery.  Corporal Rengthronk said 'It sounded like an industrial-grade high-speed Vitamix Blender trying to frappe a handful of steel bolts and M80 firecrackers'.  A decibel meter was used to measure the sound level, of the Big Dog, which clocked in at 130 Db — equivalent to that of a NASA Shuttle launch.  

After a 3 second meeting with the Marines, we unanimously agreed that the Big Dog was a certified piece of dogshit, and told Google/Boston Dynamics to go fuck themselves.  Sure we’ll continue using Google to search for and buy useless shit on the web and get further into crippling debt, but they need to stick to what they know, as clearly they couldn’t engineer their way out of a wet paper bag."

The US Marine Corps eventually settled on their fall back hauling platform using a special breed of tactical donkey's codenamed ‘Harold’ from Dave’s Donkey Farms LLC.  One unnamed Marine was quoted as saying: “What really blew us all away was how quiet and talented Harold was compared to the Big Dog.  Although it stunk like satan's anus, the technology was so life-like and amazing.  It’s incredible what some of these tech companies can come up with."

A Boston Dynamics spokesperson could not be reached for comment. []

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Saudi Arabia Condemns Russian Support for Syria:  “It’s fucking up our planned gas pipeline construction through Syria and causing delays and cost overruns in the project.”


Riyadh, Saudi Arabia — With the clearly legitimate war raging in Syria, going into its 4th year, and Russia recently stepping up its support for Bashar Al-Assad with direct military involvement against ISIS and the 12-15 other foreign backed militias AKA ‘the good terrorists/moderate rebels’, the perpetual global “War on Terror” is in full swing.

The Russian airstrikes -- much to the sheer horror and night time meat sweats of Saudi Arabia’s Foreign Minister Adel Al-Jubeir who proclaimed: “It’s fucking up our planned gas pipeline construction through Syria, causing delays and cost overruns in the project.  Our gas sales forecasts are all fucked now and heads will literally roll."

Al-Jubeir continues: “When I visited Moscow recently to meet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov to discuss Assad’s removal, Mr. Lavrov was not very responsive when I gave him our ultimatum for some reason, and he had ended our 30 second meeting with a “Yop tvoy mat” and a smile.  My translator, at the time, said it meant “Have a prosperous and wonderful trip home”, but during my flight back to Saudi Arabia, I kept replaying those 30 seconds in my mind over and over, and suspected that Mr. Lavrov’s final comment was more dark, and sinister than I thought.  My patience and curiosity finally wore thin, so I threatened my translator with 5000 lashes, castration, the Iron Maiden, bacon boarding, and public decapitation -- in no particular order, and he finally told me that it meant 'go fuck your mother' in Russian.” stated Al-Jubeir.

Saudi Arabia has struggled over the years to educate the public on the difference between “good terrorism and bad terrorism”, hosting multiple workshops and training courses across the globe to world leaders and the general public and delivering their message of peace and prosperity for their own national interests, and to eradicate the stigma that all terrorists are bad.

"It literally blows my mind that people don’t understand the different flavors of terrorism, and stereotype so quickly.  It is so very clear to us, and it is our job to educate the public and our peers and bring awareness to our noble activities." said Al-Jubeir.  “First and foremost, we pay the good terrorists, provide training, and they are under our control, and do what we say and go where they are told.  There is no risk to public safety and they are very nice, fun loving people — some of whom coach little league football and are heavily involved in the global Jihad community.  

We try and provide an employment environment where potential and battle hardened terrorists want to come and work for us, and we have many company perks like food for human consumption, and borderline non-potable water sent to the front lines.  As a bonus we also provide 72 clean and shaven virgins -- both vagina and backs to our employees who meet their ultimate demise.  This is a very powerful recruitment tool that is unmatched by any other organization”.  continued Al-Jubeir.

“Like any disgruntled employee, the bad terrorists, who you hear about on TV and in 1980’s action movies, sometimes get angry when we finish a project and we don’t pay them or leave them for dead, or they get captured, and we deny knowing them, so naturally they want to kill us.  Our vast media empire and links to Western media conglomerates ensures that any public relations disaster are minimized.  If these employees would have read the employment contract, all terms and conditions are outlined in black and white.  Sure, most are illiterate but we don’t have the budget for vocational training set aside for Fiscal 2014/2015.” explained Al-Jubeir.

"With regards to the lack of receptivity from Russia to cease supporting Assad it is essentially a big “fuck you” to Saudi Arabia.  This is unacceptable.  How are we supposed to construct a pipeline through Syria to get our product to market and compete with Russia selling gas into Europe with Russia bombing our proxy moderate terrorists/rebel groups to oblivion who are trying to covertly overthrow Assad?  It’s costing us too much money!” exclaimed Al-Jubeir.

Saudi Arabia has recently announced stepping up support of their in-theater assets, which will push Syria into a further chaos and destruction and continue stoking the flames of war and furthering their wet dream of gas pipeline nirvana, no matter the human death toll, and whose bold “sun tzu-like” strategy is to keep throwing human bodies at Russia until Russia runs out of bombs and bullets. 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

US Military Strategy Think Tank Develops Innovative Solution So the Russians Can Distinguish The "Good" Terrorists from the "Bad"

Santa Monica, California -- In the theater of combat operations, military organizations spend billions of dollars per year of taxpayer money, as well as money acquired through black ops and shadow government operations researching new techniques and developing more advanced technology on how to more effectively coordinate operations between its various military branches, and other coalition forces.

Without collaboration and constant communications in battle between air, ground, and sea forces, the result can be a cornucopia of fuck ups that require copious amounts of cover ups, assassinations, and creative story writing for media purposes to relay a deformed and deranged story to the people for consumption.

One of our reporters had a chance to meet with up with two of Rand Corp's Defense and Foreign Intelligence Strategists Priller Mortoff and Torpek Wilritt:

"Torpek and I, along with our team of strategy consultants sat down with key stakeholders from DoD who spoke in length about the problem of how close support attack aircraft have been tearing ground troops a new asshole in the field due to the inability of the pilots to distinguish friendly and enemy combatants, said Mortoff.  After a 14 hour marathon brainstorming session and 49 cups of coffee later, we had come up with enough preliminary information to provide our think tank for a solid solution strategy, which was aimed at minimizing casualties of allied ground troops and foreign backed moderate rebels/terrorists from friendly fire." 
"The challenge was enormous." quipped Priller, especially in lieu of our think tank's previous contributions of some of the most innovative developments to improve ground combat operations available, such as including a pack of Tropical Jolly Ranchers in soldiers ration packs to improve morale, to the development of quick release rear hatches on combat pants for tactical shitting under fire.  Several weeks after our submission, our head of Research and Development Brian Fringstone had called Torpek and I into a meeting to review the results.  We were literally blown away with what they came up with.  They never cease to impress." 
"Brian and his team had come up against and solved difficult challenges before, but this was on a completely new level stated Morloff.  After 14 weeks, Fringstone and his team developed a specialized tactical vest overlay called AVAGS (Aerial Visibility and Ground Support) that was a direct bolt on to existing soldier combat vests.  The genius in Brian's design was using the intense fluorescent orange color and aerial strobe light indicators to alert close air support pilots "who was who" on the battlefield.   
The new AVAGS high visibility strobe vest also gave ground combat troops unprecedented flexibility to use different high intensity material vest colors and lights to distinguish the various units, even in night missions."  Morloff continued.  The key to the success of the new vest platform -- especially at night was the strobe light which could be configured in 16.7 million different colors putting out an impressive 10,000 lumens of brightness, which could be easily seen with the human eye and with a variety of night vision and infrared systems up to 10 miles away so the position and quantity of ground troops can easily be identified from the air."

After thorough combat testing and quality assurance iterations, the prototype was showcased to officials at the DoD who immediately gave the new AVAGS platform the green light for active operations overseas and was adapted to the heterogenous groups of terrorists and moderate rebels operating in and around Syria.

The AVAGS system went into active duty with various flavors of CIA backed "moderate rebels" fighting Bashar Al-Assad initially in Al-Raqqa, Syria August 27/2015.  Agreements made under the Geneva Convention allowed all terrorist and rebel groups to have access to the AVAGS platform using funding from the Human Rights Watch organization, so commanders now had accurate, real-time visibility on the theater of combat.  The implementation of the AVAGS platform wasn't without drama, but eventually all terrorist and moderate rebel groups eventually agreed on a lighting color which best represented their individual cause.

An unnamed source close to the Pentagon stated: "Now we can finally fucking see who the fuck is who -- even at night.  Also the high discharge 'second-sun' strobe lights increased the efficiency of our weapon and supply airdrops to our CIA backed moderate rebels from 14% to a resounding 90%, due to the high intensity of AVAGS strobe lights.  We finally had a solution that worked."

The AVAGS platform was in service for 7 days, until the resulting massive casualties in the field had forced US CENTCOM to eventually retire the system, in favor of an intricate system of hand-held flags reminiscent of the battles from the movie "Braveheart".  The remaining AVAGS units were eventually auctioned off to the Elvis Skydiving troupe in Las Vegas, and various public schools back in the US which were used to enforce by student crosswalk patrol.

The Russian military deny their successful airstrikes were attributed to the AVAGS platform citing their "pure unadulterated skill and hardened combat experience that led to the massive terrorist bodycount."

Thursday, October 8, 2015

ISIS Slams US for Delivering Toyota Pickups in White Rather Than Desert Trim

Washington DC – With the Russians formally entering the fray in Syria at the end of September at the behest of Bashar Al-Assad, Russian air sorties have created a “hell on Earth” for ISIS and has thrown a proverbial wrench into their plans of consolidating a caliphate, and bringing freedom and democracy to the sovereign people of Syria.

For the past 4 years Syria’s Bashar Al-Assad has been involved in a brutal war, which has been waged against his country, who Assad blames “foreign meddling”, which definitely has absolutely nothing to do with any plans of gas pipelines that need to traverse Syria from Qatar to supply Europe. 

Eventually, the Syrians had requested the direct assistance of the Russians who have come to Syria’s aid, and conducted airstrikes which have taken out numerous weapon factories, fuel depots, bomb caches, suicide belt factories, several fruit stands, and a make shift outdoor BBQ restaurant called Waad’s in a small town occupied by ISIS forces.   The 24/7 Russian air bombardments by the Russians had also destroyed about 40% of ISIS infamous Toyota trucks, leaving ISIS soldiers with no AC wearing black outfits in the desert sun.

Anonymous sources close to Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, the ISIS Grand Pubah and leading caliphate candidate after a successive round of tryouts, was quoted as saying after the Russian airstrikes:

“Initially when we started our journey to declare a new caliphate, we needed fucking wheels to get around in the 110 F desert heat, so we had gone online to the Toyota website and had selected the Toyota Land Cruiser VXR edition with an exterior color of “Creamy Sand” with matching leather interior, sunroof for mounting weapon turrets, 8 way power seats with cooling, and cruise control for when we travel in a convoy and have our pictures taken while we’re shooting in the air and waving our flags.

We then sent our specifications to our US contacts for procurement.”  Abu Bakr continues: “Instead, we received a fleet of base spec white Toyota Hilux trucks with none of the options that we selected online.  I was fucking furious.  I was more furious than when we were told not to actually execute one of our prisoners on camera, but rather use the movie studio and green screen in Tel Aviv to “stage” the execution. 
At first we couldn’t figure it out at first how the Russians were finding us so easily.  After much debate, and several executions later, we figured out that the white paint job was giving away our position to jets and attack helicopters, who were sending my acolytes to paradise prematurely.”

The US has condemned Russia’s airstrikes and has called for “moderate rebel jihad” against the Russian usurpers.  Throughout the bombing campaign, Russian military command had released controversial footage of the airstrikes, which has resulted in a propaganda salvo of stories denying the poor color choices of ISIS vehicles as the prime reason for the successful Russian airstrikes.

An unnamed Russian pilot who had flown several sorties in Syria had stated: “It wasn’t difficult locating a convoy of stark white trucks against a sandy backdrop. The terrorists also stopped frequently and took group photos.   I couldn’t believe that the previous airstrikes from NATO coalition forces had not been able to have such luck, so we ‘lit those motherfuckers up’.  It was like shooting terrorists in a barrel.”

The US-NATO command could not be reached for comment.